The Almost Screenplay
by sirocco.flow
Summary: The Doctor's current To Do list: Fix the TARDIS, find the missing doctors, and figure out what the hell is up with this planet before everyone dies. Standard.


**Bonjour, fellow fanfic-ers! Welcome to The Doctor's Shorts :)**

**It's a cycle of short stories/scripts, originally intended for a friend's uni's sci-fi society zine, but I wanted some feedback first. This is the first instalment, if you like - but the stories are independent and not linked chronologically, so I'll be posting them separately. Watch this space!**

**I've called this The Almost Screenplay because, well, that's a reference that you guys ought to get ;) and because it isn't proper screenplay format. It was written to be read in a zine, not produced, which is why I've severely bent the formatting rules and it's closer to a theatre script/regular prose in terms of detail. Just makes it easier to visualise. :)**

**Have fuuuuuun! **

**1.**

_The interior of the TARDIS, shaking violently. _RIVER _crouches by the door clutching an unidentifiable piece of machinery that seems to consist mainly of duct tape. Wires trail across to the console, where _THE DOCTOR _is frantically adjusting things, with a spanner in his teeth. _TILLY, _a teenager dressed for serious travel with a backpack near her feet, is holding a lever, waiting for _THE DOCTOR's _signal._

RIVER

Are you ready, Doctor?

DOCTOR

_[Reluctantly, without removing the spanner]_

As I'll ever be. Tilly?

TILLY

Yes!

RIVER _takes the door handle in one hand, and the contraption in the other._

RIVER

As you would say, geronimo.

RIVER_pushes the door open, and for a split second, a seething mass of armour-clad skeletons can be seen roaring towards them. She swings the contraption out. From the exterior, the first skeleton is seen reaching the TARDIS. As he raises a scythe, the lump of cogs and duct tape emerges and hits him in the face, bowling him straight over. An ominous rumble starts._

RIVER

Wait for it...Wait for it...

_The contraption balances for a moment on the skeleton's helmet, then topples onto the ground and explodes._

RIVER

_[To _THE DOCTOR_]_

Go!

DOCTOR

_[To _TILLY_]_

Go!

_A synchronised pulling of levers - _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _launch the TARDIS off the ground. _RIVER _slams the door shut before being thrown sideways._

**2.**

_The surface of a planet from a great height, with an eruption of flame rippling outwards and upwards. A blue dot appears and shoots towards us - the TARDIS is only half sticking out of the fire, and as it goes past we hear a snatch of three voices screaming, instantly swallowed by the sound of the explosion which fills the frame. _

**3.**

30 minutes earlier...

_A vast, lifeless landscape covered in pieces of metal – broken machines, parts, space junk – beneath a grey sky. The TARDIS pulses into view, the only spot of colour. _THE DOCTOR _pokes his head out of the door and looks around._

DOCTOR

Yes, this'll do.

_He emerges and begins strolling around among the junk, sometimes scanning with the sonic screwdriver, often looking up and scanning the horizon with his eyes. He stops and picks up various bits and bobs, seeing if they still work. He seems to be looking for a device with a fan function, or the ability to blow out hot air. He has set off several fountains of sparks, electrocuted himself, and released a pair of wind-up chattering teeth before he finds a plastic hairdryer. He holds it up in front of him, deciding where to sonic it, and though taken aback by blasting himself in the face with air, is pleased._

DOCTOR

Perfect.

_He hurries back to the TARDIS._

**4.**

_Inside the TARDIS, the plastic wallet which the psychic paper usually lives in is lying on the floor. The psychic paper itself, crumpled with damp, is pegged to a radiator next to it. _THE DOCTOR _hurries over and sets up the hairdryer so it is pointing straight at the psychic paper, turns it on – with a degree of caution this time – then stands back and beams at his handiwork. _

DOCTOR

Right.

_[Rubs his hands together.]_

Now then, what else have you got for me?

**5.**

_Outside, he goes back to searching, now focusing on larger pieces of equipment, and sonicking a lot more. He is developing a triage system: either "Ooh, you're useful" and pocketing it; "Ooh, you're useful and big...I'll come back for you"; or "Oh, you're dangerous", sonicking until he sees sparks or hears clunking noises, then "Now you're not". As he progresses, the pieces of junk get bigger, until he is in a maze taller than he is. The atmosphere is eerie, everything broken and daunting. His footsteps are loud, no other sound. He sets his sight on something in particular, and approaches the enormous structure with reverence._

DOCTOR

You are beau-ti-ful.

_[Running his hands over the welding]_

And so lethal. Better not let anybody find you.

_A sudden noise nearby startles him. He sweeps the sonic around, and hits a reading._

DOCTOR

What? Life-form? There can't be life on this planet...

_[He scans again. Same result.]_

Who are you, then?

_He proceeds towards the reading, rounding a corner. _TILLY _is crouched, fiddling with some wires that protrude from the lump of machinery in front of her. She acknowledges the sound of steps, but doesn't turn._

TILLY

I think I've found something, Doctor.

DOCTOR

_[Sharply taken aback]_

What?

_Tilly turns, jumps in shock and lands hard on the ground._

TILLY  
What?

_[Scrambling backwards]_

Who are you?

DOCTOR

You just called me 'Doctor'. Do we know each other?

TILLY

No. I thought you were- Who are you?

DOCTOR

I'm the Doctor.

TILLY

Doctor who?

DOCTOR

Just...the Doctor. Who did you think I was?

TILLY

Um...another doctor.

DOCTOR

There's not that many of me.

TILLY

No, I mean Dr Swan.

DOCTOR

Dr Swan? Who's he when he's at home?

TILLY

My supervisor. Well, he and she actually, there's two of them now he's married. They should be around here somewhere.

DOCTOR

What, swanning around?

_Not even the faintest trace of amusement on _TILLY_'s face. _THE DOCTOR_'s grin falters awkwardly._

TILLY

Have you come from another university?

DOCTOR

Another universe, maybe, not another university. Not intentionally anyway.

TILLY

Then what are you doing here?

DOCTOR

Oh, scavenging. I needed something to dry my psychic paper at least. Just doesn't work the same when it's wet...

**6.**

(FLASHBACK)

_A plaza in New New York with a fountain centrepiece, heaving with rioters. Security guards hold off a wave of people trying to get into the Town Hall. _THE DOCTOR _scrambles towards it from a distance, leading a young boy. When they reach the fountain, their best option is to climb in and wade through it._

DOCTOR

Don't worry, I'll get you into the Town Hall, you'll be safe there.

BOY

But how?

DOCTOR

Just-

_[He is cut off by tripping and falling into the water. He emerges immediately, to the surprise and delight of the _BOY_, and shakes the water from his head.]_

Just trust me!

_At the Town Hall steps they fight through until a _SECURITY GUARD _personally stops them._

SECURITY GUARD

Woah! No further.

DOCTOR

I can go further, I'm entitled. Literally – I've got a title.

_[Winks at the _BOY. _Holds up the psychic paper for the _GUARD_.]_

SECURITY GUARD

_[Shouting over the riot]_

This ain't the day for practical jokes! Do you want me to laugh or arrest you?

DOCTOR

Eh?

_He flips the paper round to read it; it's sodden. Dripping letters spell '_LORD OF TIMES SQUARE'.

DOCTOR

Oh, God.

**7.**

_Back on the planet. _THE DOCTOR _clears his throat in embarrassment as though_ TILLY _had been witness to the memory._

DOCTOR

And, you know, other things. I have other things to do.

TILLY

There isn't anything to do on this planet, that's why we're here.

DOCTOR

What do you mean? I've got loads done! Found something to dry my psychic paper with – probably shouldn't leave that on, actually.

_[Glances briefly back in the direction of the TARDIS.]_

There's always something to do, you're just not looking in the right places.

TILLY

Well if you have any suggestions about where to look, let me know.

DOCTOR

What _are_ you doing?

TILLY

Neutralising weapons.

DOCTOR

Neutralising weapons! Snap! I love neutralising weapons, stops people killing each other. Is that what you're doing down there?

THE DOCTOR _crouches by her tangle of wires, rapidly inspecting what she's done._

DOCTOR

Cold scramblers, proton irradiators - is that an alloy reactor in there?

_[He puts his ear to a flat panel on the machine and taps it in several places.]_

It is! Oh, I haven't seen one of these bad boys in a long time.

_[He seems unsure whether or not to be pleased.]_

TILLY

How did you...?

DOCTOR

Well you'll have to sort that wiring out or you'll never get anywhere.

TILLY _moves aside to let him at her equipment. He rearranges nearly all of it, pauses for thought, then gets out the sonic._

DOCTOR

Watch out, there might be some smoke.

_[He points the sonic at the wiring, and turns his face away before pressing the button. The equipment burps out a single, tiny puff of smoke. Tilly sniggers.]_

TILLY

Don't worry, I don't think I'll choke.

DOCTOR

Yes, well, at least it's not dangerous any more.

_[He pats it with something approaching affection.]_

TILLY

How did you know what it was? Not even Dr Swan can identify stuff that fast.

DOCTOR

I've had a lot of practice.

TILLY _tilts her head, she still hasn't decided what to make of him._

DOCTOR

So do I get to meet this Dr Swan then?

TILLY

If she comes before you leave.

DOCTOR

She?

TILLY

Yeah, Mrs Swan, they're married remember?

DOCTOR

But I thought Mr Swan was your supervisor.

TILLY

They both are. She does most of the field expeditions though, she's better at the practical stuff than he is. I probably shouldn't say that, don't tell him, but it is true.

DOCTOR

I like the sound of this Mrs Dr Swan.

TILLY

Yeah, she's nice. Anyway, I should move on. Lots of investigating to do.

DOCTOR

Isn't there always?

_A small smile from _TILLY.

TILLY

I suppose so.

_[She starts scooping up the gadgets that are hers.]_

What are you going to do? Now that you've, um, blown up half my equipment.

DOCTOR

Have I? I am sorry, I didn't mean to...yes. Sorry.

_[He scratches behind one ear nervously, then has an idea.]_

How about I come and help out for a bit? You know, neutralising. I promise I won't break anything else. Unless I'm supposed to break it. I'm better at this than I look.

TILLY

_[Contemplates.]_

Alright. I want to find out what that green light thing is anyway. Never seen one before.

_They start walking further into the maze._

DOCTOR

Green light thing? You mean my super cool and very useful sonic screwdriver?

_[He retrieves it from his inside pocket.]_

TILLY

Screwdriver? What the hell kind of screws does that drive? Sonic ones, I suppose.

DOCTOR

It's a little bit more complicated than that. But I'm glad you're asking questions, questions are good.

TILLY

_[Snorts]_

All I ever do is ask questions. This is the first time I've been allowed on an assignment without supervision.

DOCTOR

Is it? Congratulations!

TILLY

Thanks. Though, you're kind of like supervision now. Where did you say you came from? I don't think you said at all.

DOCTOR

No, I don't. Far away.

_[He stops and looks around.]_

But that's not the question we need to be asking.

TILLY

_[Stops and also looks around, though with no idea what for.]_

The question we need to be asking. Um...is it...where did all this machinery come from?

DOCTOR

No, we know that.

TILLY

We do?

DOCTOR

Well, more or less.

_[He looks at her sideways.]_

Take a guess.

TILLY

_[A long exhale.]_

OK, lots of people have been dumping stuff here for ages, so it hasn't been inhabited for a long time. Or it was never inhabited at all.

DOCTOR

Good.

TILLY

And none of this technology goes together, so it's hard to identify what's been here for how long, and who left it here. Which makes it hard to identify who was here originally.

DOCTOR

_[Smile gradually growing.]_

Good.

TILLY

And the weird thing is there's no settlement anywhere. There's no evidence of how they lived. I'm sure Dr Swan said people have lived here, so I was expecting some kind of habitation, even if it's abandoned. But there isn't any, it's just junk. I mean, I know I'm here to practice neutralising weapons, but even so it doesn't make sense.

DOCTOR

Very good.

TILLY

_[A little embarrassed at the praise, but enjoying it.]_

Thanks.

DOCTOR

You're right, it doesn't make sense. Well, I'll put you out of some of your misery – the people who lived here wiped themselves out with their own technology. I've always wanted to know exactly what they did to leave no trace of themselves.

TILLY

Is that why you're here?

DOCTOR

Partly. Can't resist a good mystery, me. As for a settlement, I think we just haven't found it yet. Still haven't asked that all important question, though.

TILLY

Sorry, I've said all I've thought of.

DOCTOR

_[Smelling the air]_

Can you feel it?

TILLY

Feel what?

DOCTOR

That.

_[Whatever it is, he's acutely aware of it.]_

TILLY

I can't feel anything.

DOCTOR

I've missed something. Something obvious, something staring me in the face. Something wrong with this whole planet.

TILLY _stares around in bewilderment._

TILLY

I can only see things wrong with the stuff, not the planet.

DOCTOR

_[Snaps round]_

What? What's wrong with the stuff?

TILLY

Well...it's all so broken...I mean, smashed. Like none of this was left here, it was dropped. From a height. And yet so much of it still works. Why have that many people flown over dropping stuff, without even stopping, without coming to have a look like we are? Surely everyone knows this is a place you can search as well as abandon. But nobody has. No searching, all abandoning.

DOCTOR

All abandoning. Yes. Which is a sign of-

TILLY

Danger, usually.

DOCTOR

Yes. Danger.

TILLY

Why are you looking so cheerful all of a sudden?

DOCTOR

Because it's-

_[she cuts him off]_

TILLY

Doctor, what's that?

DOCTOR

What?

TILLY

Smoke, I can smell smoke.

TILLY _drops her bag and climbs up the side of a machine to get a look around._

TILLY

It's coming out of something. Can't tell what it is from here, it's blue. Some kind of container, box or something.

THE DOCTOR_'s face drops._

**8.**

_Just outside the TARDIS, smoke pluming from between the doors. _THE DOCTOR_runs towards us from the mid-distance._

DOCTOR

No, no, no, no, NO!

**9.**

_Interior of the TARDIS_, _smokey, low lighting. _THE DOCTOR _bursts in, waving his arms and coughing. The flames are originating from the hairdryer, but have spread._

DOCTOR

_[Flailing]_

Fire blanket, why is there never a fire blanket?

_He sheds his jacket and is about to throw it over the hairdryer, but stops._

DOCTOR

No, bad idea.

_He fumbles under the console to no avail. From outside, _TILLY_'s voice approaches, muffled._

TILLY

Doctor! Are you alright? What's in there?

_[Swinging through the door]_

I've got a fire blank-

_She stops abruptly, coughing but rooted to the spot._

TILLY

What the...

DOCTOR

_[Running over and snatching the blanket from her now limp hands]_

Brilliant!

_He throws the blanket over the hairdryer and hits it down. A loud spurting noise makes him turn. _TILLY _has sprung into action and is spraying a handheld fire extinguisher at the remainder of the flames._

TILLY

Is that it? I think that's it.

_She slips the extinguisher into a side-pocket on her trousers, and pulls out something else. It whirs when she switches it on, and begins to suck up the smoke._

DOCTOR

_[In awe]_

You are so prepared! I've got a whole – _[cough] –_ TARDIS and you've got a bag, and you put my fire out.

TILLY

I've come here to work with weapons. If I have one practical skill, it's putting out electrical fires.

DOCTOR

I think you have more skills than you give yourself credit for.

_As the smoke clears, the awe transfers from _THE DOCTOR _to _TILLY. _She cannot believe her eyes._

TILLY

I thought I'd seen everything.

DOCTOR

That takes far longer than you've had. Do you like my TARDIS?

_[He knows exactly what's coming]_

TILLY

It's...

_[_THE DOCTOR_mouths the words]_

Bigger on the inside.

DOCTOR

I'm sorry she's not looking her best.

_A thought strikes him and he rushes to the psychic paper, and unpegs it from the radiator._

DOCTOR

Not burnt. Not burnt, you clever thing!

_He kisses it and scoops up its wallet, which is singed around the edges. He regards the burn marks with a sigh, and a quiet 'Never mind'._

TILLY

_[Slowly walking round the console platform]_

How are you doing that? How do you make it look so small on the outside?

DOCTOR

Well, it wasn't all me, I didn't make it. I sort of borrowed it.

TILLY

Then whose is it? Don't they want it back?

THE DOCTOR _looks away. _

DOCTOR

Nah.

_A beat of silence._

TILLY

Are you alright, Doctor?

DOCTOR

_[Spins back round]_

Alright, yes! Never better. Come on- wait, I don't even know your name.

TILLY

We're even then.

_[For a moment, it seems like that's her answer. But she smiles.]_

Tilly.

DOCTOR

Tilly, great name! Come along then, Tilly, we've got a civilisation to find.

**10.**

_Back in the maze. Still huge, still eerie. _THE DOCTOR _is concentrating hard on his search; _TILLY _is looking round but evidently just following his lead._

TILLY

Aren't you going to fix all the burnt stuff? In the, er, what's it called again?

DOCTOR

In the TARDIS? She'll be alright.

TILLY

_[Noting the term with the practised skill of a student]_

TARDIS. Right.

DOCTOR

If I'm really lucky she might even start to fix herself.

THE DOCTOR _isn't really paying attention to the conversation. _TILLY _is._

TILLY

Why do you do that?

DOCTOR

What?

TILLY

Talk about things like they're people.

_[When he doesn't respond, cautiously:]_

Dr Swan used to do that. When I was in my first year, and he was in his office all the time, or going on expeditions when he didn't need to. He used to talk to himself, and to things.

DOCTOR

People do sometimes. Don't worry, not a sign of madness.

TILLY

Sign of loneliness, though.

DOCTOR

_[Turns slowly]_

You notice a lot of things, Tilly.

TILLY

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I-

DOCTOR

What are you studying?

TILLY

Archaeology.

DOCTOR

Huh. I usually point and laugh at archaeologists. But I haven't pointed or laughed at you yet. And I don't think I will.

TILLY

Is that a compliment?

DOCTOR

It most certainly is.

_[Suddenly]_

What's that?

TILLY

What's what? I can't hear anything.

DOCTOR

Not hear, _feel_.

TILLY

I don't feel anything either.

THE DOCTOR _sweeps the sonic round, no reading. He puts it away reluctantly._

DOCTOR

No, of course there's no reading. Doesn't do wood, or intuition.

TILLY

Doctor?

DOCTOR

Remember I said there was something wrong with this whole planet?

TILLY

Yes.

DOCTOR

Well, there's something wrong with this whole planet.

And it's right under our noses, right under our _noses._ So why can't I see it?

TILLY

I can't help if I don't know what I'm looking for.

DOCTOR

Something that doesn't make sense.

TILLY

Nothing here makes sense. Nothing and everything.

_[The words start to tumble out.]_

There's all this stuff and it's supposed to be dead but it's not, but it's not alive either it just doesn't. Make. Sense. Nothing, it's dead and alive and there's nobody here but us so we should be alone and we're not.

DOCTOR

That's it! You can feel it now, can't you?

_An very quiet, almost imperceptible tapping starts, like footfall._

TILLY

_[Scared.]_

Yes. But I don't know what it is.

DOCTOR

Exactly. Hang on, you just said there's nobody here but us.

TILLY.

Yes.

DOCTOR

Then who's that?

_The footsteps have been quiet, getting nearer – now they echo. _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _turn almost in slow-motion. From the shadows emerges a skeleton, with a helmet and an axe. It snaps its teeth, then roars and lunges._

DOCTOR

What are you?

TILLY _drops her backpack and fumbles in her pockets for something to throw at it. The fire extinguisher bounces off its helmet, and it bats away the smoke filter with irritation. _THE DOCTOR _tries to sonic it, but nothing happens and he curses something about the wrong setting. As it reaches _TILLY _she screams and hurls her whole bag at it. It falls to the ground with a clang, rubs its head, and gets back up._

TILLY

Doctor!

DOCTOR

Run!

_They pelt off through the maze. The skeleton rolls its shoulders and sets off after them._

**11.**

THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _dodge further into the tangle of metal, not noticing that the machinery is getting less complicated and more like buildings. When _TILLY _sees an open door, she grabs _THE DOCTOR _and yanks him through it._

**12.**

_A room, small, almost pitch black. The door slams._

TILLY

What the hell was-

DOCTOR

Sh.

_He puts his finger over his mouth and stays flat against the wall, as a loud rattle signals the skeleton has gone past. He pulls the door open a crack and peeks outside._

DOCTOR

It's gone.

TILLY

What _was _that?

DOCTOR

I don't know. Interesting, though, isn't it?

_He starts to feel along the walls._

TILLY

_[Still panting]_

You have a really twisted sense of what's interesting.

DOCTOR

So I'm told.

TILLY

Do you think it was the only one?

DOCTOR

Do you?

TILLY

_[She sighs.]_

No.

DOCTOR

Well then.

THE DOCTOR _finds another door in the opposite wall, and tugs on it._

DOCTOR

Do you know what else is interesting?

TILLY

What.

THE DOCTOR _pulls the door wide enough to shed light on his whole face, looking out._

DOCTOR

That.

TILLY _pokes her head into the gap, and catches her breath._

**13.**

_The city. A wide rift in the planet's surface, both sides covered with houses and churches and buildings as far down as we can see. Many of the 'buildings' are in fact disused spacecraft, barely converted. _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _are emerging right at the top; railing separates them from the chasm._

DOCTOR

_[Stepping out onto the narrow path]_

Ha-HA! Found it!

TILLY

_[Coming out beside him]_

That's incredible. I can't believe I thought nobody lived here.

DOCTOR

They don't. They did. As for our friend Boney - you said everything seemed to be here and not here, serviceable yet abandoned. Living and dead at the same time.

TILLY

You think that thing was the Living Dead?

DOCTOR

I'm not sure what I think yet. Come on, let's see how much we can find out before they eat our souls.

_He leads the way downwards into the city. When they have both set off, the skeleton appears further up and watches them. It grins and disappears._

**14.**

_An alley in the city. _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _are moving fast, scouting out the route and checking behind them respectively._

DOCTOR

So where are the Drs Swan? Where did they leave their ship?

TILLY

I don't know. I'm not sure they're still here, actually. They dropped me off and said they'd be back but they haven't paged me yet.

DOCTOR

You use pagers? Blimey, what century is this!

TILLY

They work perfectly well. No point using fancy multi-purpose stuff if the oldies do the job.

DOCTOR

My sonic is multi-purpose and it's marvellous.

TILLY

I've not seen it do anything marvellous yet.

DOCTOR

What do you mean, it's neutralised loads of otherwise very dangerous weapons.

TILLY

So have I.

DOCTOR

Yes, well. It's also cool.

TILLY

Coming from a man in a bow-tie –

_She is cut off by an enormous crashing that explodes either side of them._

TILLY

What's that?

DOCTOR

I don't know. Loud.

TILLY

Where's it coming from? I can't tell which side is the echo.

DOCTOR

_[Spotting something she hasn't]_

Neither.

TILLY

What do you m...ean...

_She looks up in horror as lines of skeletons climb over the roofs on both sides of the street._

TILLY

_[Frozen]_

Is it even worth running?

DOCTOR

Always.

**15.**

THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY_sprint further into the city where they can't yet see any skeletons, but more appear in an endless stream. Dodging into alleys makes little difference; the city doesn't stick out from the cliff-face very far, and their descent into the chasm is inevitable._

DOCTOR

Don't panic, any moment now I'll have a brilliant idea.

TILLY

I'll believe that when I see it, if it's all the same to you.

DOCTOR

_[A little hurt]_

Alright, so I'm not always good with first impressions.

_A wind strikes up and sweeps their hair. They stop in alarm - _TILLY_looks behind _THE DOCTOR_and grins widely._

TILLY

Tell you who is though.

_The shadow of a spacecraft descends over them. It hovers in the ravine, level with the street, a door aligned with the gap between two houses. The door folds open and a gangway extends. _RIVER_, within, leans on the frame._

RIVER

Need a hand?

TILLY

Dr Swan!

DOCTOR

River?

THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _look at each other. _

_Simultaneously:_

What?

RIVER

Oh hurry up, do you want to be liquidised by the Living Dead or not?

**16.**

_Interior of _RIVER_'s ship. Small, functional, mostly colourless except for three coat pegs bearing a lab coat, a red handbag, and a pair of stilettos. _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _dash up the gangway, two skeletons hot on their tails. _RIVER, _at the controls, pulls the ship away just as the skeletons reach it, and they tumble into the ravine. The door folds back into place._

TILLY

Perfect timing, Dr Swan, as always.

RIVER

Thank you.

DOCTOR

_[Accusingly]_

Dr Swan?

RIVER

Calm down, sweetie, it's just a name.

DOCTOR

Since when are you married to the other Dr Swan? Aren't you supposed to be married to-

_[He catches his tongue, with a glance at _TILLY_]_

TILLY

What? Married to who?

DOCTOR _and _RIVER

Nothing.

RIVER

_[As a distraction]_

How have you been getting on, Tilly?

TILLY

Fine. Do you know each other?

RIVER

In a manner of speaking.

THE DOCTOR _sits down heavily._

RIVER

What's the matter with you?

DOCTOR

I come to the back end of the universe, totally at random to an empty planet, only looking for a blowdryer, and what do I find? An Army of the Dead, and you.

RIVER

Don't sound so upset. I just saved you from them.

TILLY _folds her arms._

TILLY

_[To _RIVER_]_

You knew about them, didn't you.

RIVER

The skeletons? I had my suspicions. But then so did he, am I right?

_[To _THE DOCTOR_]_

By the way, they won't respond to the sonic screwdriver, if you've been trying.

THE DOCTOR _rolls his head in exasperation. _

TILLY

You knew he was here, as well.

RIVER

I know he's the only person flying around in a 1950s Earth police box. Cute. And visible from a distance. You're alright, the Army hasn't reached it yet.

DOCTOR

They couldn't get in even if they did.

RIVER

They might – your shield's been compromised.

TILLY

What does that mean?

RIVER

It means I've got better scanning equipment than he has.

TILLY

I don't understand.

DOCTOR

Tilly, is there a laboratory on this ship?

TILLY

Of course.

DOCTOR

Could you go and...analyse the equipment I damaged earlier. Work out what's wrong and I'll fix it.

TILLY

If you want some private time, you could just ask.

_[Shouldering her bag, with a smirk]_

I'm going, I'm going.

TILLY _exits. _THE DOCTOR _joins _RIVER _at the controls in one stride._

RIVER

Damaged her equipment, did you? You're losing your touch.

DOCTOR

You knew what was out there and you left her on her own?

RIVER

You've met. She can handle herself.

DOCTOR

That's not the point.

RIVER

Yes it is. You only ever pick up girls who would be fine on their own. Besides, she found you didn't she?

DOCTOR

I do not 'pick up girls'.

RIVER _says nothing, but raises her eyebrows as she navigates the switchboard._

DOCTOR

And you can talk. Marrying a lonely old professor? That's taking advantage - Tilly told me he was lonely.

RIVER

So were you. And he's not a professor, he's a doctor. Funny, isn't it. I seem to have a type.

DOCTOR

You-

_[He points at her, but can't think of what to say.]_

RIVER

We're not really married either, strictly speaking. He needed some help and I needed a name, it was perfectly sensible.

DOCTOR

You could've made up a name.

RIVER

Oh, come on, where's the fun in that?

DOCTOR

This is ridiculous, take me back to my TARDIS.

RIVER

I already have.

_She hits a button. The door opens and spits out the gangway just in front of the TARDIS._

RIVER

Now go and take a look at those shields, we haven't got long.

DOCTOR

Until what?

RIVER

The Army gets here. You can't expect to wake up a dead planet and not have to run away.

DOCTOR

I have not woken up a dead planet!

RIVER

Someone has. And your TARDIS is probably the first functioning piece of equipment to touch the surface in centuries, so I'm guessing you caught their attention.

DOCTOR

This is ridiculous. This is all so ridiculous.

_He fishes the TARDIS key from his pocket and hurries out. _TILLY _appears in the door through which she exited. It's unclear how much of the exchange she overheard._

TILLY

Is that true?

RIVER

That it's ridiculous - no.

TILLY

I mean that he caught their attention by landing his TARDIS here.

RIVER

He might have done. We can't be sure yet.

TILLY

When can we?

RIVER

I don't know, give him ten minutes.

TILLY

_[Leaning against the frame]_

You trust him way more than you trust Dr Swan.

RIVER

And you notice more than is good for you.

TILLY

Sorry.

RIVER

Don't be. And don't think I left you on your own either, I knew you two would find each other. He's good at that. Now go on, go and give him a hand, I'll be there in a minute.

TILLY _starts to leave, then hesitates._

TILLY

Dr Swan?

RIVER

Yes.

TILLY

If he drew their attention by landing his ship, is that why you haven't landed this one?

RIVER

I was taking a precaution.

TILLY

But that means you can't land at all without attracting attention to yourself as well. This ship is perfectly functional, they would notice it.

RIVER

There's no time for worrying about that, run along and help the Doctor.

TILLY _exits with a dissatisfied nod._

RIVER

_[to herself, with a sigh]_

They had better notice this ship. What other distraction have we got.

_She brings up a surface map of the planet on a screen._

RIVER

Now where shall I land you? How far away do I need to go?

_[She taps a few locations.]_

Oh, that'll do.

RIVER _leaves the controls and begins opening compartments built into the walls of the room. There is a wide array of guns and their close relatives; she selects some of the fiercest looking and lays them out in a row. Whens she has finished she returns to the controls, and is preparing for take off when _TILLY _dashes back in._

TILLY

What are you doing, doctor?

RIVER

_[Caught off guard]_

Checking some things.

TILLY

No you're not. You're getting ready for something. What are all those guns for?

RIVER

For when the Living Dead attack, of course.

TILLY _catches sight of the screen._

TILLY

You're leaving. You were about to abandon us!

RIVER

No I wasn't. You notice a lot of things, Tilly, but not everything.

TILLY

Well then what-

RIVER

Why have you come back? Does the Doctor need something?

TILLY

I think he needs you. It's hopeless, I can't help him, I can't understand the half of what he's saying. But you know him and you know about the TARDIS.

RIVER

This isn't the time.

TILLY

Please, doctor. I wish I could do something but I can't. Let me watch this ship while you go.

RIVER

_[Trying to come up with an excuse]_

He won't listen to a word I say. We've just had an argument.

TILLY

You weren't arguing, you were flirting. Look just go, I'll stay here.

RIVER

I can't leave you here on your own, it's not safe. Besides I haven't landed yet, and you don't know how to dock.

TILLY

Dock, then. Or land, or whatever you have to do so I can stay here while you go there.

RIVER

It's not that easy, Tilly. Even if I do land it isn't safe for you to be on your own.

TILLY

Then let's go back over there together. Please. He needs you more than I do.

RIVER _pinches her nose and closes her eyes for a moment. Then:_

RIVER

Alright, let's go.

**17.**

_Interior of the TARDIS. _THE DOCTOR _is fussing at the console._

RIVER

_[Entering]_

I've landed as lightly as I can, we should be able to stay here until you can launch the TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR _doesn't look up._

DOCTOR

I don't understand, there's something wrong with her. She's not talking to me. I can't get a reading on the fix-scanner.

RIVER

Would help if you turned it on.

RIVER _flicks a switch on the console. _THE DOCTOR _glares at her like a wet puppy. _RIVER _doesn't notice – she's looking at the reading._

RIVER

Doctor...Are you seeing this?

THE DOCTOR _looks over her shoulder._

DOCTOR

Oh.

_[He prods the screen.]_

Oh.

TILLY

What's the matter?

DOCTOR

That can't be right.

_He fiddles at the console and bangs the side of the screen._

TILLY

Ok, I'm not a technology expert, but it's usually a bad sign when clever people start hitting things.

DOCTOR

It is a bad sign.

_[For a second the concentration flickers; he glances sideways at _RIVER_]_

She thinks I'm clever.

RIVER

Shut up.

TILLY

What is it, doctor? Doctors?

DOCTOR

Something's broken through the shields and latched onto the launch field generators. That should be easy to override, it should have been overridden automatically but it hasn't been.

TILLY _looks blankly to _RIVER.

RIVER

He's been clamped.

TILLY

Clamped as in, we can't get away and there's an army of undead armour-clad skeletons coming to get us?

DOCTOR

Don't be so melodramatic. But yes.

RIVER

It looks like it had been set up to grab you as soon as you landed. Some kind of sensor. Who would possibly have done that?

DOCTOR

Who, or what. Either way the sensor must have been wide-ranging, we can't have just fallen into it by accident.

TILLY

But that means anything that lands here will get stuck. Us as well as you.

RIVER

My God, she's right. Tilly - stay here.

**18.**

_Interior of _RIVER_'s ship. _RIVER _bursts in and descends on the controls, but it's too late. She can no longer take off. She brings up a pulsing radar on a screen, which indicates a large mass moving inwards towards her._

**19.**

_The radar screen. As we zoom in on the encroaching mass, a blur on the side of the screen, it focuses like parting clouds into a high-angle shot over the army of skeletons, sweeping down to catch their manic eyeball-less eyes and gnashing jaws._

**20.**

_TARDIS interior. _THE DOCTOR _is in his swing seat under the console, wearing goggles and wielding a spanner. _RIVER _is busy with her own equipment at the console; _TILLY _hovers nearby holding things or handing them to _RIVER _as instructed._

RIVER

No pressure sweetie, but we could really do with a brilliant idea.

DOCTOR

I'm working on it!

RIVER

Well work faster, they're closing in on us.

DOCTOR

How far away?

RIVER

About fifteen minutes if we're lucky.

DOCTOR

Fifteen minutes is plenty of time, stop worrying.

_He jumps out of the seat and joins her._

DOCTOR

What have you figured out?

RIVER

I can barely pick up any signals at all, it's like they're not there. The mass is registering, so they do physically exist, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.

DOCTOR

What's powering them? Are they sentient, or just robots?

RIVER

Neither. Probably not robots, I haven't detected any electricity around them. And the weird thing is, there looks to be about 50,000 of them, which according to records was the population of this planet last time anyone counted.

TILLY

Only 50,000 on an entire planet?

RIVER

It had been dwindling for decades. The more technology they developed, the more of themselves they wiped out. Worst scientists ever. But there's been no life here at all for centuries, they've just popped out of nowhere.

DOCTOR

Not out of nowhere, out of hiding. And people only do that when they're confident or desperate. Or both. They'd have to be both to try and steal my TARDIS.

RIVER

But even assuming they are people, how could they be existing with only their bones left?

DOCTOR

I've known people who've existed only as skin with a face, don't underestimate life support. Slash death support. Maybe they have been dead all this time, just waiting for something to animate them.

TILLY

Such as...

DOCTOR

Us falling into their forcefield. If they're draining our power maybe that's what woke them, like a huge alarm clock set to hit them with a pillow as soon as something landed with enough power to get them up again.

TILLY

So they are dead.

DOCTOR

No, they died. But they aren't dead any more.

TILLY

Don't be silly, you can't die and not stay dead.

RIVER _holds out a hand to cut her off._

RIVER

Don't even go there.

_[To _THE DOCTOR_:]_

Look this is all very interesting, honey, but it's not helping us escape. We need to know what technology is clamping our ships.

DOCTOR

I'm getting to that.

_He begins to pace._

DOCTOR

It's a force powerful enough to ground ships but can't be detected by most of our sensors. And it affects our ships but not us, we were all walking around quite happily – well, running quite scaredly – and we didn't get stuck. An invisible force glueing us to the ground...

TILLY

Like gravity.

DOCTOR

Well like most forces, they're always invis-

_He cuts himself off, claps and points at _TILLY_, then dashes off. _TILLY _and _RIVER _look at each other in incomprehension. _THE DOCTOR _returns with some ancient bathroom scales. _

DOCTOR

Why didn't I think of this?

_He throws them down and stands on them, and satisfied that they work, digs around for some wires to plug them into the TARDIS. The needle swings wildly, and the glass on the gauge cracks._

DOCTOR

Oh, that is magnificent.

_[Inspecting the scales]_

They're actually using gravity. How _are _you doing that?

RIVER

That's not possible, you can't focus gravity, it would be plastering us all to the floor.

DOCTOR

And it's not. Brilliant, isn't it!

RIVER

Where in the solar system could a crowd of animated skeletons got hold of that kind of technology?

DOCTOR

Dunno. Let's go and ask them.

TILLY

I hate to say this, Doctor, but we've had several opportunities to talk to them already, all of which ended with us running for dear life.

DOCTOR

Rubbish, we just didn't know how to start the conversation.

TILLY

And we do now?

DOCTOR

Something along the lines of "I say, that's a rather splendid gravity harness you've got there, mind not smashing my skull 'til I've had a look?"

RIVER

Look, I know how big a fan you are of that fine line between genius and insanity but seriously, I doubt there's anything you can do to help them. Not them and us.

DOCTOR

Rubbish, why is everyone talking so much rubbish. There's always a way to help.

RIVER

Not always.

DOCTOR

Says who?

RIVER _falters, then purses her lips sadly._

RIVER

Spoilers.

**21.**

_TARDIS exterior. _THE DOCTOR _steps out and shades his eyes._

DOCTOR

They're on the horizon.

TILLY

_[Joining him]_

What does that mean?

DOCTOR

It means I need to think really, really fast. Faster than I already was, and that was pretty fast.

**22.**

_TARDIS interior. _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _re-enter._

DOCTOR

And since _Dr Swan _won't let me have a conversation with them, we'll need to find a way of breaking the clamp ourselves. Now so far in my role as Clever Person my best idea is that we need something that goes BOOM.

TILLY

Boom.

DOCTOR

BOOM. This forcefield is incredibly strong, I can't chip away at it, well I could but we'd be here for, ooh, about-

_[checking his watch]_

37 days? 37 and a half, depending on the weather. If we're going to get rid of it, it needs to be all in one go.

TILLY

So we need an explosion, is what you're saying. That's easy! Come on, we're on a planet covered in old bombs, this is the best place in the universe to need an explosion.

RIVER _looks up and grins._

RIVER

Did I hear someone say explosion?

DOCTOR

_No._

TILLY  
No what?

DOCTOR

I said we need BOOM, which might mean explosion, I did not say bomb.

TILLY

What else are we going to use?

DOCTOR

I don't know, I'll make something.

RIVER

She's right, Doctor. The weapons outside are perfect.

DOCTOR

If I can almost blow up my own TARDIS with a hairdryer I can definitely break a lock I don't understand with some bits of old junk I do understand. No guns, no bombs, don't even get me started on hand grenades.

RIVER

You're fast but there isn't time. I don't think you can make something before they reach us.

DOCTOR

Oh, ye of little faith!

RIVER

At the risk of sounding like your mother, you have to listen to me. We might have to do something you don't like and you can't afford to get upset.

DOCTOR

This has got nothing to do with me being upset, I've gone 900 years without gratuitously blowing people up and I don't intend to start today.

RIVER

They aren't people, and we don't. Have. Time.

DOCTOR

I'm a Time Lord, I've got all the time ever!

TILLY

900..what?

RIVER

Doctor, how much force do we need to break the lock on the TARDIS?

DOCTOR

Lots, boom. I said that.

RIVER _rolls her eyes and swings the screen round to look at it._

RIVER

Right, Tilly, this is what we need.

TILLY _peers at the screen; her eyes widen._

TILLY

I saw things that could achieve that, outside. I neutralised half of them, though, didn't really expect this.

RIVER

That's because you met the Doctor in between, he tends to change your plans.

TILLY

Did he change yours?

RIVER _looks at her._

TILLY

Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just so used to asking questions sometimes I don't think. I'll, um, I'll go and get one.

RIVER

Get what?

TILLY

I ask questions and I notice things and I remember things. I'm a student, it's what I do. And I remember exactly where I saw the things we'd need for a single expulsion of that much energy, of that kind. I couldn't put them together but I think you and the Doctor could.

RIVER

Well I'm glad of your confidence but we haven't thought of how we can get to the parts yet.

TILLY

By going outside and collecting them, of course.

TILLY _grabs her bag and heads for the door._

RIVER

Tilly, wait! You can't just go out there.

TILLY

Why not?

RIVER

You could be killed!

TILLY

_[shrugs]_

Doesn't seem to have done them much harm.

_She exits before either of the adults can stop her; they have no choice but to go after her._

DOCTOR

I tell people not to run off and they always do. Why don't people listen to me any more?

RIVER

Can't think.

**23.**

_Planet surface. _TILLY _is running with a purpose, _THE DOCTOR _and _RIVER _chasing behind._

RIVER

Tilly, come back! At least let us cover you.

TILLY

_[over her shoulder]_

I know exactly where it is, I'll be one minute. Find some connection adaptors and we'll be there.

_The skeletons on the horizon are distinctly clearer and bigger, the huge noise closer too. The ground is starting to shake._

RIVER

Oh, for goodness' sake. Right, look for adaptors. Dismantling bombs makes you good at composing them, I think we can do it.

DOCTOR

We are not making a bomb, nobody is making a bomb.

RIVER

Yes we are.

DOCTOR

No we're not.

RIVER

_[collecting something from the ground and throwing it to him]_

Fine, we're making a device that will cause an explosion in order to stop an army on the offensive from reaching us – is that better?

DOCTOR

Alright, I'm not a child.

RIVER

Then stop acting like one.

DOCTOR

_[to himself]_

Where did this day go wrong?

RIVER

_[relenting]_

I'm sorry.

_She walks over to him, across the ever more strongly shaking ground._

RIVER

I know what you're thinking. But you can't give them chance, it's not realistic.

DOCTOR

Then reality's rubbish.

RIVER

Look, we're not harming them. It might feel like it and I know that doesn't sit well with you but they probably aren't alive.

DOCTOR

They're sentient, and they might be alive, only _you_ won't let me find out.

RIVER

I'm trying to help you! If we don't leave right now, it's not just you and the TARDIS in danger – it's all of us. I want you make it out alive, maybe that's selfish of me, but if you do and we don't... I can see you don't really know me yet but you're already attached to Tilly; however guilty you might be feeling now about escaping, think how you'd feel if your attempts to talk to some animated dead people ended up killing her. Or me. You'd have that on your conscience. You'd have deaths on your conscience for the rest of your life.

THE DOCTOR _stiffens, steels his jaw and leans in towards her._

DOCTOR

I already do.

RIVER

Then don't make it worse for yourself. It's us or them, you can't be everyone's hero.

DOCTOR

I never said I wanted to be a hero, I'm being a decent person and I have a responsibility to be a decent Time Lord.

RIVER

_[cupping his face in her hand]_

You're the best Time Lord there is.

DOCTOR

I'm the only Time Lord there is.

RIVER

I know. And I couldn't have asked for better.

_She's clearly thinking about a kiss, when _THE DOCTOR _looks away at something. It's _TILLY _returning, triumphant._

TILLY

_[running past them into the TARDIS]_

This is not the time for smooching, doctors! Honestly, I can't take you anywhere.

RIVER_, amused, reaches round for _THE DOCTOR_'s hand. He is stonily serious, but gives her his hand nonetheless._

RIVER

Come on.

**24. (=Scene 1)**

_The interior of the TARDIS, shaking violently. _RIVER _crouches by the door clutching an unidentifiable piece of machinery that seems to consist mainly of duct tape. Wires trail across to the console, where _THE DOCTOR _is frantically adjusting things, with a spanner in his teeth. _TILLY_is holding a lever, waiting for _THE DOCTOR's _signal._

RIVER

Are you ready, Doctor?

DOCTOR

_[Reluctantly, without removing the spanner]_

As I'll ever be. Tilly?

TILLY

Yes!

RIVER _takes the door handle in one hand, and the contraption in the other._

RIVER

As you would say, geronimo.

RIVER_pushes the door open, and for a split second, a seething mass of armour-clad skeletons can be seen roaring towards them. She swings the contraption out. From the exterior, the first skeleton is seen reaching the TARDIS. As he raises a scythe, the lump of cogs and duct tape emerges and hits him in the face, bowling him straight over. An ominous rumble starts._

RIVER

Wait for it...Wait for it...

_The contraption balances for a moment on the skeleton's helmet, then topples onto the ground and explodes._

RIVER

_[To _THE DOCTOR_]_

Go!

DOCTOR

_[To _TILLY_]_

Go!

_A synchronised pulling of levers - _THE DOCTOR _and _TILLY _launch the TARDIS off the ground. _RIVER _slams the door shut before being thrown sideways._

**25. (=Scene 2)**

_The surface of a planet from a great height, with an eruption of flame rippling outwards and upwards. A blue dot appears and shoots towards us - the TARDIS is only half sticking out of the fire, and as it goes past we hear a snatch of three voices screaming, instantly swallowed by the sound of the explosion which fills the frame. _

_FADE._

**26.**

_TARDIS interior. _THE DOCTOR, RIVER _and _TILLY _are scattered across the floor, clutching onto railings. Several moments of laboured breathing._

TILLY

Hey.

RIVER _and _THE DOCTOR _look at her._

TILLY

We did it.

THE DOCTOR_laughs._

DOCTOR

Yeah, we did.

TILLY

Although, can't say I'm sure I know _what_ we did.

DOCTOR

Me neither. But what the hell, it's more fun that way.

RIVER _smiles at him, pleased to see his mood recovering._

TILLY

So now that we've escaped death together, are either of you going to tell me who you actually are?

THE DOCTOR _looks at _RIVER, _meeting her gaze._

DOCTOR

Well... I'm the Doctor.

TILLY

Yes but who are you, what do you do?

_He turns back to _TILLY_, grins, then reaches up to the console and pulls out a stop. However far they had managed to clamber up, they are all thrown back onto the floor._

DOCTOR

This! I do this, all the time!

FIN.

**Da-da! So there it is. Let me know what you think, especially about the screenplay because I've only ever written prose and this is a whole new world for me. I'm planning to write the other 4 Shorts as prose, unless someone suggests otherwise. Also haven't written/posted fanfiction in about 9 years, so the other stories I have on this account aren't great for referencing - I'll try and get some recent 'normal' prose up for you guys soon (e.g. another Short) and you can make up your own minds! Laterz x**


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